my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
