Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
