I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
