i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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