You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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