Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
