Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
