I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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