Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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