This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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