meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
