So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
