i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
