Tell her she can't have a vagina
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize