Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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