the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
