Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
