You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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