I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
soo... how was my night?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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