I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
