Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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