I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
