my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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