dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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