If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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