Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
