ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
