I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
