I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
