What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize