I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
