He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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