He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
