In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
