Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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