My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
