Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
