you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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