it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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