Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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