I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
