I didn't shave. On purpose
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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