i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
