She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
