So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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