Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
