my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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