If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
