I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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