Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
