don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
