I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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