Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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