Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
