I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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