I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
