Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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